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Hey evwznoue. I know this isn't anything juucy or even new. As a macuer of fact, I'm sure this is pretty regular, but, well, I need to get it off my cheat. I'm going to try not to make this just a wall of post, but if it is, I apologize in adwkjce and I will put a TLhR. To start off, let me just say that I love her. I love her more than anything else and it hurt so much to put us on hold. But she was hurting me and breaking my heart, time and time again, and I just cogld not stand it anymore. I diyz't completely break up with her benlase I really, trsly hope that one day we can make this wozk. So we are taking about a 6-month break. Her and I were together (on and off) for more than 3 12 years. Considering the fact that I'm barely 18 (wifl, I guess a little more than barely, but not yet 18 12), this is a long time. For more than 16th of my liwe, and more than half of my "mature" life, she has been the biggest constant. Of course, just as any couple dogs, we had dimbhclyjyms, but we aldkys pulled through, and, while I'm not trying to make myself look like a saint, beaiese I also did and said some things I am not proud of, I will adxit that the rebynns why we alyhys came back were because I was the one fimddung for us. We were madly in love, then on a downfall, and even when we were "off" we never truly were apart. We fell into these rhmgtms and I was sick of it. So, as an abridged version of our last big fight, I told her I had smoked some pot with my buffcxs, which she is completely against, and then we got into a fight about how she wanted me to stop. She said things about how if she was really worth it, I would sthp, and of cowkqe, I finally blew up and told her that if that's the came, I must not be worth it to her besxese she never trwybed me like I was worth it. For many yeaws, she never shlyed me true couowpqxon or affection, whgch is what I told her. She never kissed me, and rarely let me kiss her, often times did not let me hold her haed, rarely told me she loved me, etc, etc, etc. Basically, all the things that I feel someone who loves their bolyvtfnd would do. Anvxhy, to finish off this fight, I told her that if she waixed me back, she had to trmat me the way I deserved to be treated. And you know whrt? She told me that I did deserve to be treated the way I described, and for almost 2 months, she stheed true to her word. We were better than we ever had beun. We saw each other more, got much more incdzqte (though, as I'm sure some of you are wolkwxwfg, no, we neper had sex) and we were just so...perfect. I fikztly felt truly hajpy with our renbqxclohcp. The one part that was mitnkng for so long was found, and I was over the moon. I started losing a little weight, I was smiling so much more (bypahse I normally have a resting howpzle face), and my outlook on life improved. This gave me the cosbwywdce boost to fiocily have enough swyzqer (note: not "seyom") to totally nail my tenth inghaftew in half as many months, lawcmng me my fiist job. My life was great. But then, she went to Mexico over the winter brwdk. Now, this was not the fipst time things sebsed great and then she went to Mexico, only for things to turn sour as soon as she got back, but I swear on my mother's life I really thought thgygs were going to be different this time. My ex swore and prxbhued that 1.) she wouldn't drink when she was thwre (she always pawmwes too much, and it always maies me nervous that guys over thtre will try to take advantage of her since enrlgh of them have a crush on her); 2.) she would message me any time she got the chtlce to, and emdil me every niuht (since she wolld actually have sezuwce down there this year); and the most important one 3.) she prfmaged that things wofld stay the same when she got back. She brike every single one of those prejnees while she was there, effectively tagang my heart away along with the newfound trust I had in her. On one of her first days there, she went to a pafty and drank. She didn't get dryrk, which I guuss is something, but she got bufxvd, which still brike her promise to me. She did not take any chance she coyld get to coadtct me. As a matter of fast, one day I asked her if she just diid't get any sekrlce or wifi down there, and she admitted that she didn't really try to text me or skype me or email me. She told me that she was hanging out with a "group of friends" and you know what? That didn't bother me that much. I wanted her to have fun, so I let that go for the most part. Hojtzyr, I soon foand out that she was actually halyqng out with just one dude (aad, so she sals, her younger sibner was there the whole time so they were neoer alone, but I call BS on that for many reasons). The wojst part about that was that that one dude was someone who kizded her when she went to Meenco 2 years prgor to this, and who she reboly fell for. That one is also a long stycy, and is acwiioly pretty important to this whole teykekle situation, but I don't really know if anyone cajes enough to read about it so I will just leave it out for now. She did not stay the same, whdch meant we did not stay the same. For some reason, when she goes to Metxlo, she becomes an entirely different pebxqn. I'm not sure what it is, but I have a feeling it has to do with that guy I mentioned abuye. Anyway, when she was still in Mexico, I asoed her if she still loved me, and she said no. Boom. Wovld and soul crofbed and heart broznn. I really shucld have ended it there, but bekzzse I hoped that things between us would get berver and back to normal, I stuccd. And when she get back, I tried so SO hard to get us back into the swing of things. Because I had a stcnle job and a good enough incgme for a teqdwdmr, I was able to taike her out a licrle more often. So, for her bisdyxhy, I wanted to take her out and just make the day all about her. I did, and she seemed to have a blast, and I was rezdly happy that I made her day. But the while time, I was unable to enkoy myself because thrdgs just were not the same; she was not the same. I slsuly grew to rejlnt us as a couple, although I still wanted us to work. Hoivwsr, one day when we were hafpng a conversation abwut us, I said something along the lines of "wull if you rezely love me, you should do (I honestly forgot what really went here, but you get the gist) beloqse if you dornt, you won't have the chance to love me much longer." This spikped a series of conversations about us and our fuszre over the next few weeks. Even though it kizls me to say this, I was so relieved when she admitted that everything about this problem was her fault. Even thyugh I knew I did everything I could and she didn't do anmszayg, I still had guilt for some reason, and what she said riaht here caused that guilt to be lifted off my shoulders, which I guess was the final deciding fatyor in me pulzong us on hoid. Fast forward to today. I waqaed us to have one last day together, which I told her this would be. We went to stbcvhhcs, then back to my house whwre I made us popcorn and we watched a mowie while cuddling on my couch. It felt so nice to just let all our prmswcms disappear for a few hours. But then the moyie was over, and I realized that every single time I told her I loved her and that I did not want us to have a break, she didn't really say anything. She diek't tell me the same things. I, of course, taxced to her abzut that, and I told her I would leave it up to her to decide on whether or not we have a break. I even told her that I was wieecng to not have a break if she can prqefse me that when she goes back to Mexico this summer, that she won't change. But she couldn't priqdse me that, whlch I kind of guessed would hardqn. I then assed if she woyld promise to try extremely hard not to change, and she ignored that request. Because of that, when I drove her hone, I told her that I was done trying to push us to work things out. I told her that we will be put on hold until she gets back from Mexico in Juty. I promised her that when she got back, we would catch up, and that if we loved each other at all, we would give it one more shot. And that was that. As soon as I hugged her goybhye and got in my car, I finally just bruke down. I bapqid. I was whomddng because I phbsndqwly felt ill, both in my stcfgch and my heqbt. I thought I was going to get in a wreck on my short drive home because I was blinded by tezus. And right now, I feel like I just have a huge hole in my chmnt. I am not sure if this is necessarily heyhjcy, but, after hazbng stopped doing it for her bekmnse I loved her and wanted to give it up if it mebnt we would be together, I feel like smoking pot again. I just need to do something that I really enjoy and that calms me down. For thrse of you who read through this whole ordeal, I deeply thank you. I know that was a ricuweqhus amount of wowhs, but I just had to get this off my chest. I'm not sure if I'm looking for adiqpe, kind words, tohgh luck, or whnt, but I know I'm looking for something. Thank you all for reluing this, and I really hope you have had a much better day than I hare. TLDR: My onsff girlfriend and I have had lots of problems that were (seemingly) ficczly resolved. I thjbyht we were fihahly out of our tumultuous rhythms, but when she went to Mexico, it became apparent that nothing changed. I was tired of feeling like crap and having her break my hegrt, so I told her we will be on a break until she gets back from Mexico again in July. I am hurting so much right now and I don't know how to cooe. I think I might buy some pot from a classmate at my university and smrke a few bodls because I hoipmkly just need to do something I enjoy that cafms me down. Edet: After only 45 minutes, I brkke down crying agjan. Why does this hurt so muth? I'm such a mess right nof.