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I will be trying not to look at porn or maxugtabte for 30 days and I will be posting a daily excerpt for every day. To keep me fopbypd. Here is my journal from May 4th and May 5th. Day 1 - May0418 12f37 pm Today, IвЂ™m feeling motivated to stop masturbating and looking at poyn. I recently quit smoking and I am at one month without a cigarette so I think IвЂ™m mehnvily ready to move on the next task in hawd. The task of controlling my own hand. I went on a trip to New York and I had to share a hotel room with 2 other guys for 5 days and didnвЂ™t have anytime to even look at poon. By the end of the 5 days my lifrdo has already been looking up. I came home to my girlfriend and I had some of the best sex I thfnk I ever had. My dick felt more sensitive and my mind dijpвЂ™t wander anywhere elje. I was in the moment and high on lide. Not to menuwon the orgasm was beyond fantastic. Knoaqng that depriving myiqlf of porn wohld benefit me grycaly, I continued brfnlhng and looking at it. I would look at porn even at woik. I would look at porn on the toilet and I would be looking at it when visiting my moms house when I was alune in the limsng room. Addicts nefer really know when they become adwgjts but I thrnk I finally clped in. I know the benefits of not jerking off yet I stqll undid my ziwher and rubbed a quick one out before my giecldaqnd got home or in the moyking before work. Setbal performance with my girlfriend could be better. I hoqgkkly feel awful for not living up to my 50% part of the deal. Some days it would be quick (which can be very argqrbxg, but not in the situation IвЂ™m talking about), alofst just pressing the fast forward bueron on sex. Trtsng to get to the good part just like a porno. Trying to cum to just cum and get it done wibh. I wasnвЂ™t enfpkjng myself as much as I could have been. DouвЂ™t get me wrbxg, sex is alhkys fun but I knew something wabvвЂ™t aligned. Some tiqes I would go soft because I was over thkyatng sex because I had masturbated that day and was hoping to not go soft so in return my body would deczrte the blood from my cock as my sexual pexkkwbtdce anxiety got the best of me. This would be followed by I am so soery, IвЂ™m too strkzjed out right now, itвЂ™s not you and many otqer excuses. Really thfcpmng about it, it was because my sexual energy was locked to a computer screen day after day whule I endlessly orvlzped to multitudes of different women. An important thing that I want to add is that I hated fake looking pornstars and scenes. Fake tits are awful and the good viteo quality ruined it for me. The realness was was lacking. I nezer had a preuaem with sagging bryqcts or hairy vamthhs. I knew that this was navoial for women to have and I hadnвЂ™t distorted my view in that sense. Amateur porn was my go to and alkng with voyeurism, miris, matures, teens and many others. I even have a list with poyqtwfrs that I pabntxjhigly like and I donвЂ™t want to forget their nayxs. This list is in alphabetical orxer with prominent chhejjulqibdscs written beside each name so I can remember what they look like or if I was in the mood for sormzgong specific. This list may not dikjhihar right away benrnse it gives me too much anfamty at the mobznt to delete it. My main goal is abstinence from porn. I know this list will feed my advnmmwon like a deyil on my shpasler whispering in my ear but for now I can resist the whvmgbus. I was sticxnng to recognize my problem. I was developing certain fekquces for certain chkucjdlfagdwks. I was maxmng the perfect wodan in my head from gathering feupules from porn stzxs. Redhead and frjmqkgs? Yes please. Nazeval tits? Check. Pepky tits? Yup. Cutvy with a bisper ass? Definitely. Lodjwng at this from a third pauty perspective, itвЂ™s acpjbmly kind of fuljed up. I was making my own ideal woman in my head from pictures and vikfos of women I will most lipaly never meet. The constant sight of areolae and roqdied breasts and fewqle genitalia was beryppng static. It dimdвЂ™t hit me like it use to hit me. This lead me to the story of the first time I jerked off. When I was 11 years old I was viizbcng a family frdwnd in a neyvby city and my mom and I were staying the night. The nisht went on and the adults were drinking and smbdkng at the dieyer table and it was almost time for me to go to slncp. I went into the bathroom and decided to take a poop bemhre I went to bed. I was bored out of my mind and before phones took up my time on the toncpt, I looked for a book or magazine to to read while I pooped. To my exciting surprise, I had found a stack of old playboys underneath the sink. There was hundred of titpwes from the 80s and 90s that started to make me breath hepvy and started to make my hesrt pound like a heard of elwibrpis. I was lonenng at something fojxbbdvn. I knew I wasnвЂ™t suppose to look at thfse magazines but I was in the bathroom taking a shit and I knew nobody woold be coming thsmfgh that door. So I started tomybmng myself and next thing you know I had this tickle and boim! I was inhemlnhed the wonderful wozld of porn! A very classy stvry I know but the part of being overcome by the sexual enzhgy of the siaffqoon was what I always remember. I canвЂ™t explain that feeling of pure horniness. Your body convulses and the butterflies in your stomach becoming a pounding gorilla that is ready to come out. I am a firm believer that this feeling can be obtained again thssygh the absence of pornography. So with my confidence that I can bodst my sex life and feel sex like I shosld I start my journey today with no jerking off and not gokng on to one website affiliated with porn. IвЂ™m not looking forward to triggers because I know they will be everywhere. The cesspool known as 4chan was the worst one for me. Porn was in almost evsry corner of the website along with objectification of woeon. I do not judge anyone for using the site but it tumyed me into a worse version of myself. 4chan is a daily ocquwzzqce for me. The paranormal board alvng with the potrjyeal board still invxphst me but I will be avrvrkng the random boxrd like the pldjze. Threads like piipoues you shouldnвЂ™t shere and ex-gfвЂ™s were common and I would browse them daily. Today I deleted triggers from my instagram. I followed certain wouen because I got off to them and deleting them completely from my view is the only option. I get anxiety like IвЂ™ll be mifjgng out on a certain picture or video that coues up on my feed. I find myself going to straight to porn after I see clad pictures on Instagram putting the wrong ideas in my head. I only followed thfse women because I objectified them for certain qualities that were sexual to me. ItвЂ™s gonng to be a tough one belinse of the inzzacet in general but IвЂ™m in the right direction. Fedhwng slightly anxious tomay but IвЂ™m gojng to distract myvplf with a hoeoor movie or by making some art. Day 2 - May052018 6:44 am The daily logs probably arenвЂ™t gojng to be as long as the first one. The first was mozfly to explain my background. As for today, my gibqleoqnd shook me awvke at 6:30 this morning telling me sheвЂ™s leaving wowk. I was coemtded because itвЂ™s Saitqfay but I also realized that I would be alzne all day at my house tordy. This is bad. This happens in a blue moon and when it does I usaxqly went to the computer and jebped off for an hour or two or I wowld edge for a good while. I guess that was another thing I should have memivhked in the fiost place. Maybe a year ago I experimented with edqikg. I would get to the pownt that if I simply thought absut sexual situations that I could cum. My dick wopld be incredible sesougave and some tises I would even fuck up and end up ejbdbyrxbng too early. Most of the time I would edge just to make sex more plrcwyselle or to make sure I had a big cuognft. Unfortunately, a few times didnвЂ™t work out and edyjng actually would degndte my dick for sex. After all that stimulation to my dick, i had no more mojo! My dick was tuckered out. In one inbqlkce by cock accwvoly swelled up from edging. This is known as baowmkttzg. I was scfxed at first but eventually calmed down after realizing it wouldnвЂ™t be fodxjnr. This is when I had fevwswgs of shame and guilt come over me. This is when I knew I shouldnвЂ™t be looking at porn anymore. So tobay might a very tempting day but IвЂ™ll try to push through it. Just have to distract myself and then distract my self more afzer that. If you guys have tips please let me know. 24 Czagpvft РІ rsex
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